Over the last few months we’ve been taking a sideways look at all sorts of characteristics, traits and skills that surround the art of Mentoring, and there are many more yet to be explored. Today though, I’d like to think back to the piece on Social Intelligence I wrote about last week … one of the seven key factors in developing social intelligence, according to Daniel Goleman, is listening and a great mentor is always, without question, a great (and skilled) listener.
It is easy to assume that we all listen all the time, but sometimes we hear without listening, we tune out the ‘noise’ that surrounds us, and that includes the messages that the people we are working and living with are telling us. Developing listening skills requires us to explore the idea of empathy as well – because to listen well, we need to feel a connection (of some description) not only to the person who is talking, but to the words (and concepts) they are expressing.
So how can you develop great listening skills as well? Perhaps the first thing to look at is our tendancy (as a species) to listen only for the ‘hooks’ in a conversation that will allow us to then express a point of view, a suggestion or an opinion. How many times have you been in the situation where someone has been talking and you’ve thought of a great idea you wanted to share with them? When you get a chance to speak, you share your idea and perhaps even go off on a tangent. We’ve all done it and, we’ve all be on the receiving end of it too.
A great way to illustrate the point is through a quote from the film ‘Shirley Valentine‘ where she laments the inability of men and women to have a conversation …
“No. They feel they have to take over the conversation. I mean, I mean with most fellas if you say something like, like my favorite seasons autumn, they go oh, oh, my favourite seasons spring and then you’ve got 10 minutes of them talking about why they like spring and you weren’t talking about spring, you were talking about autumn. So what do you do? You talk about what they want to talk about. Or you dont talk at all. Or you wind up talking to yourself.”
And that, in a nutshell, is the secret of great listening.
How can I improve my listening skills?
- The first thing you can do is repeat what has just been said to you. This ensures that you have heard what they’ve said, that you understand it and you are ‘speaking the same language’. This will help you to formulate an appropriate response if one is required. A good example might be “So, (Jim), if I understand what you’re saying, you would like ….. (and just insert what they have said here).”
- Establish and maintain eye contact. But not for too long, as that can be uncomfortable. Any longer than three seconds will feel intrusive (apparently MTV, has it’s artists look straight into camera for 3.5 minutes – long enough for the person watching to feel the person is looking just at them and become attached). Establishing eye contact confirms to the speaker that you are interested in what they are saying and will encourage them to continue.
- Reduce or remove any distractions – in other words you can’t talk to someone AND be checking your email at the same time. Anyway, it’s just plain rude too.
- Try not to think about your point of view – you may have one and it may be appropriate to share it at some point, but you need to be sure you have fully understood what is being said to you first too. Far too often I come across people who think they are saying the same thing because they are using the same words, but those words (and phrases) have wildly different meanings for both.
- Try mirroring the other persons body language. We do this unconsciously when we want to establish rapport anyway but doing it thoughtfully will, like eye contact, help them to feel that you are actually paying them the right sort of attention. So if they fold their arms, fold yours too, if they sit back, you can sit back too. But a word of warning – don’t over do it either, it will make your co-conversationalist feel very uncomfortable if you do.
- If you don’t understand something, ask them to explain. Ask questions where they are needed and if necessary repeat back the explanation you have been given. This will demonstrate true interest in the subject matter and in the person you are talking to.
Simply put, you need to Open Your Ears, Shut Your Mouth and Open Your Heart. Once you can start to truly listen to what those around you are saying, a whole new world of possibility, opportunity and friendship is likely to open up to you.
